New LJ

2008-05-19T02:10:36Z

I never ever use livejournal whatsoever, but since reading Renee Ricci's confessions of a rite-aid salesgirl and read how hilarious it is, I have decided to start my own "Confessions of a Christmas Tree Shops Cashier". I shall begin my first entry tonight about the events of last night and today, to continue please add my new livejournal: Bellalove127

rapiscrap127 @ 2007-10-17T18:32:00

2007-10-17T22:32:49Z

I’ve had four panic attacks in the last two days. I’ve thrown up twice. I’ve binged twice. I’ve had a migraine for the last week. My grandmother is in the hospital. She might not make it. My mother is never home because shes with my grandmother or father. My grandfather has bad alsemers and has to be constantly watched.I’m not allowed to see my grandmother except for specific times when told by my mother. I’m falling behind in school, but not really. I just feel as if I am. Everyone’s lying to me about her condition or not telling me things. They treat me as if im a child. Just like they treat my grandmother. My throat burns when I cough, which is every two minutes. Every time I cough I feel like I’m going to puke. I haven’t cried at all except for right before I wrote this. I’ve been suppressing it because I didn’t want anyone to worry. I need to be the backbone, or no one will trust me to see her. She might die.She might die. She might die. I have her watch. What will I do with it if she goes. Its not mine. Its hers. It belongs on her. She might die. I can’t talk to anyone. Can’t burden om. Can’t talk to Dad. Dad wont understand. Kristens grandmother died. Peacefully in her sleep the other night. She might die. Not peaceful. On tubes. In hospital. Without husband. Tubes in throat. She might die. Can’t cry. Can’t cry. Can’t cry. HAVE TO KEEP IT TOGETHER. NEED TO BE BACKBONE. Might die. Half dead. Not my family. Not my family. Dog poop. Laundry. Room. Homework. College Essays. College Applications. Food for dad. Might Die. Yearbook. Senior Packet. Raffle next week. No gift certificates. Not going to succeed. Fight with mom. Mom upset. Ruined everything. Not there for her. Not backbone. Cried. Not not not not there. Not able to see her. Breakdown. Robot. No more. Can’t keep together. Funeral Saturday for Kristens grandma. Switched hours. Called out of work. Might get fired. No job. No money. No support. No car. No me. Might die. Cancel voice lessons. Might not sing. Might die. Can’t hold on longer.Tubes in throat. Panic Attack. Heart beating. Faster. Faster. Faster. Eyes straight ahead. Not responding. Need air. Need comfort. Need last week. Need her. Might die. Don’t die.Only way to get this out. Type. Type. Livejournal. Type. Might die. DONT DIE.

rapiscrap127 @ 2006-12-02T00:08:00

2006-12-02T05:08:03Z

I'm dying inside.

And nobody knows it but me.

rapiscrap127 @ 2006-11-13T22:33:00

2006-11-14T03:33:48Z

I don't want to fade into oblivion.

To be another worthless nothing,

with no ambition.

rapiscrap127 @ 2006-10-21T23:14:00

2006-10-22T03:14:23Z

this day was ew.

I'll elaborate later.

rapiscrap127 @ 2005-12-12T17:29:00

2005-12-12T22:31:03Z